Guilt
by PugNTurtle
Summary: It wasn't often that Odafin Tutuola felt guilty. However, now, as he sat in the surgical center waiting room, blood covering his hands, sleeves, and pants…that was the only feeling he felt. Amanda Rollins/Fin Tutuola - SPOILERS for unaired episode!


Title: Guilt

Author: Katie

Characters: Amanda Rollins, Fin Tutuola

Rating: PG

Spoilers: UNAIRED EPISODE Poisoned Motive

Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately.

Author Note: I got this idea from the pics that I saw on Getty Images and a few other sites. If you don't want to be spoiled, don't read further. Enjoy and don't forget to review.

~/~

It wasn't often that Odafin Tutuola felt guilty. However, now, as he sat in the surgical center waiting room, blood covering his hands, sleeves, and pants…that was the only feeling he felt.

He leaned his head back, ignoring the concerned glance that Captain Donald Cragen sent his way. He ignored the sideways look that he could feel Olivia Benson boring into him. And he ignored the pacing that he knew Nick Amaro was doing across the room.

The only thing that mattered was that his partner was currently in a room, undergoing surgery to remove a bullet.

A bullet that was meant for him.

A bullet that she took.

Fin squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head as he fought against the memories of six hours prior. It was useless, though. The scene had been playing over and over in his head, nonstop.

_It had been a long day in court. A victim that Olivia and Amanda had spent countless hours with had spent the day on the stand, being grilled mercilessly by the defense. By the time it was over, the victim had been in tears. Amanda walked her out, taking her to Olivia and Nick's squad car so that they could take her to a safe house. _

_This was a major case. Around the clock protection was ordered for the woman, as her testimony would put away a serial rapist for a very long time. However, his friends publicly swore revenge, thus the extra care. _

_Fin leaned against his and Amanda's squad car, watching as his partner talked to Olivia briefly. He smiled slightly to himself. Amanda had taken a bit of time to warm up to him, and he had taken a bit longer to trust someone other than John. But now, they worked as a team. He defended her when she was jumped by her former bookie, and she had knocked some sense into a pimp for him. He believed her when she was accused of murder, and she trusted him to always have her back. _

_So as Amanda turned, he had seen the fear cloud over her eyes, albeit brief as it was. "Gun!" she shouted, moving forward with the speed Fin had quickly learned she possessed. _

_Before he knew what had happened, Amanda had shoved him, hard, away from the car. He didn't fall and was able to catch himself as he watched in horror what happened. _

_A shot rang out, and a fraction of a second later Amanda's body slammed involuntarily into the car. Fin felt his heart race as blood smeared the window, Amanda's fine blonde hair sticking to the window as she fell. Her face went from surprise to a mask of pain as her bottom hit the pavement. _

_Amanda's hand immediately reached up to grab her shoulder, blood instantly covering the white coat she wore as well as her porcelain skin. She fell to her side as pain exploded through her left shoulder. _

_Fin, Olivia, and Nick immediately flanked their fallen comrade. Nick and Olivia had their guns drawn instantly, their eyes wildly scanning the scene. "Amanda!" Olivia had cried, anguish evident in her throaty call. _

_Amanda's ears were ringing, but she could see Fin gesturing for them to find the shooter. She was painfully aware of the blood pumping out of her shoulder. Amanda rolled her hips, trying to lessen the pain on her shoulder as she looked up at her partner. She didn't even notice as Olivia and Nick took off running._

"_Amanda, it's gonna be okay," Fin tried to reassure her as he fought the panic that he felt. She watched as he shed his coat, flinging the garment away and covering her legs by accident. _

_Fin leaned over his partner, praying to himself that the ambulance he called for arrived quickly. He pulled Amanda's hand away from the wound, covering it with his hands as blood seeming pumped faster. Fin watched as her hand listlessly fell, and her eyes began to drift close. _

"_Amanda, don't you dare close your eyes!" Fin said sternly, putting more pressure on the gunshot. She whimpered in pain, cringing as she glanced up at him. She tried to shift again, only to stop when Fin changed his tone and gently said, "Stay still. I got you, girl." _

"_Tryin' to," Amanda had replied. The two simple words were clipped, laced with agony. _

Fin opened his eyes as he felt Olivia's hand cover his shoulder. She smiled tightly at him. He knew that she had been here way too many times before with Elliot, and he knew that Olivia knew what he was going through. The guilt, the hurt, the worry, the pain…it was all there and would follow Fin for a long time.

"She's gonna be okay," Olivia said softly. "Amanda never lost consciousness, she responded to all the paramedic's questions…she's going to pull through this, Fin. She's a fighter."

"I hope to God you're right, Liv," Fin replied gruffly. "That bullet was meant for me-"

"You don't know that, Fin," Olivia interrupted gently.

"She saw the gun," Fin answered. "You heard what she said as they were loading her up. It was aimed directly at my heart and she pushed me out of the way."

Olivia didn't answer. She knew that nothing she said would be of comfort to Fin. She also knew that the guilt that covered his face as they watched the ambulance speed away would haunt her dreams for several days to come. The anguish of not being able to ride with his partner was eating him alive.

Fin didn't remember being led to Olivia's car, nor most of the ride following the ambulance to the hospital. All he could do was focus on the red and blue lights, knowing that every moment the siren wailed it meant that Amanda was still alive and fighting.

His thoughts were broken as Amanda's surgeon entered the room. He wore clean scrubs, and his skin was immaculate. "Captain Cragen?" the surgeon asked.

Cragen stood slowly, Fin, Nick, and Olivia flanking him. "How is she?" Cragen asked softly, weariness evident in his tone and posture. "How's my detective?"

"Detective Rollins is going to be okay," the surgeon said, not beating around the bush. All of her coworkers let out a long breath, waiting for him to continue. "The bullet hit her directly between the collarbone and shoulder and was lodged there. We had to do surgery to remove the bullet and found that her collarbone was broken. We then put pins in to stabilize her collarbone before stitching her up."

"What about her shoulder?" Nick asked softly.

"There is minor ligament damage that will heal with time. Detective Rollins will need rehabilitation down the line, but for now she needs to rest," the doctor answered. Seeing the tense looks before him, he smiled gently. "Would you like to see her?" the doctor asked Fin, seeing the blood on his clothes and instantly knowing that the man was her partner.

Fin nodded, for the first time in his life not trusting himself to speak. Olivia placed a hand on his shoulder, gesturing to the bathroom. "Why don't you go get yourself cleaned up?" she suggested. "When you come back, we will go see Amanda."

Fin simply nodded again, then set off toward the bathrooms. Nick excused himself, following the older detective down the hall.

Olivia and Cragen glanced at the doctor, knowing that there was more to be discussed. "Doctor, what kind of bullet hit Amanda?" Cragen asked.

The doctor sighed, knowing that this question was going to come up. "She was struck with a Teflon-coated .45 caliber hollow point bullet," he replied. Olivia let out a small gasp. _Cop Killer. _The doctor glanced at her before continuing. "We've already put it aside for evidence. She's very lucky the bullet hit her where it did. If it were about three inches to the right, she would have bled out before she made it to the hospital."

Cragen nodded slowly, glancing at Olivia. They both knew that this was a serious situation, especially since that bullet wasn't meant for Amanda in the first place. None of them had been wearing vests, but even if they were, the odds weren't good. Someone was literally trying to kill a cop: Fin.

Fin came down the hall, seemingly calm as Nick was tight on his heels. It was obvious that the two had been talking, and Cragen was grateful that Fin could talk to someone. "I'll take you to her," the doctor offered.

The group nodded, exhaustion evident on their expressions. The events of the day had suddenly hit them as they realized Amanda would be okay. "I'll be right there," Cragen told them, taking out his cell phone. He had several calls to make.

The first was to Mrs. Rollins, to let Amanda's mother know that her daughter was going to be okay. Relief was evident in her voice, though Cragen thought it was peculiar that she never once mentioned making her way up to New York to see her daughter.

Next was to the commissioner, to let him know Amanda's status. This was typical procedure whenever an officer was injured in the line of duty.

The last call was one that he wasn't expecting to make, but his fingers seemed to move over his contacts list on their own, tapping a name that he didn't expect to talk to again so soon. He pressed the button to dial the number, bringing the phone up to his ear.

"Hello?" the voice said, curiosity instantly filling her voice at the name that appeared on her phone. "Captain Cragen? What's wrong?"

With a slight sigh, Cragen spoke. "Lieutenant Eames?" he asked. "We need your help."

~/~

Fin wasn't sure what to expect when the doctor led him, Nick, and Olivia to the recovery room. Sure, he had visited many partners throughout his years, and he himself had been shot on one occasion. However, there was something different when it came to Amanda.

He half expected her to be sitting up, laughing and joking with the nurses. However, she lay at a slight incline, her left arm in a sling. Fin could see layers of dressing covered by a heavy brace for her collarbone. Her skin was stained with iodine and blood, and the blood was still caked in her hair. Fin smiled slightly to himself, knowing that once Amanda realized it was there she would be complaining. She was the farthest thing from a girly-girl, but when it came to her hair, it always looked perfect.

Amanda's eyes were half open as she curiously watched the nurse inject something into her IV. "'sthat?" she asked the nurse, her tongue not forming the words like she wanted.

"Pain medication," the nurse simply said, capping the needle and disposing it into the sharps container behind Amanda. "Are you comfortable, Detective Rollins?" she asked.

Amanda shook her head, indicating with her right hand that she wanted to sit up some more. The nurse patiently adjusted her bed, then pulled the covers up to her ribs. "Detective, if you need anything, don't hesitate to call us by pushing the button," the nurse told her. She glanced up, seeing Fin, Nick, and Olivia in the door. She smiled slightly, patting Amanda's leg. "You have some visitors," the nurse told Amanda.

The blonde turned her head to look at the door, a smile crossing her lips as she saw the group standing there. The nurse gestured to Fin to come in. He hesitantly entered, Olivia and Nick following suit.

"She's pretty out of it still," the nurse said to Fin quietly. "I know it looks bad and uncomfortable but she's not in pain. Her arm is still numb from the surgery and I just gave her a heavy dose of morphine. The most important thing at this point is making sure that she stays ahead of the pain."

Fin nodded, though his gaze was settled on Amanda. He walked the rest of the way to the bed, reaching out and taking her right hand in his. He carefully stroked her thumb, being careful to avoid the IV that was sticking out.

She drowsily smiled at him, seemingly unaware of the hair that fell in her face. He reached up and brushed it away, letting his fingers trail against her cheek for a few moments.

"You…k?" Amanda managed to ask him, concern covering her features at the tears she saw welling up in his eyes. "Hurt?"

Fin chuckled slightly, shaking his head. "Nah, Manda, I'm not hurt," he whispered. "Just glad you're okay."

Amanda nodded, seemingly satisfied with his response. "Anyone…hurt?" she whispered.

"Just you, Amanda," Fin replied. "You're not going to be playing tackle football anytime soon."

She laughed slightly, closing her eyes and trying to fight off the pain medication. "Lucky…them," she managed before opening her eyes again. She glanced over at Nick and Olivia, smiling slightly at them. It was all she could manage. Talking was zapping the energy out of her.

"We're glad you're okay, Amanda," Olivia said, coming closer to the bed and rubbing her leg. "You're looking good for someone who just got shot."

Amanda winked at her, watching as Nick grabbed a chair for Fin and the older man sat down gratefully, continuing to hold his partner's hand. He then stood next to Olivia, gesturing to the door that they should leave the pair alone.

Amanda watched curiously as they left, her eyes drooping again before she stubbornly forced them back open. It was a losing battle, Fin could tell. While he was grateful to see those baby blue eyes, he knew rest was the most important thing right now.

"Sleep, Amanda. I'll be here when you wake up," Fin whispered softly. "And please don't scare me like this again."

"Couldn't…have you gettin' shot," she whispered. Her eyes drifted shut, and they stayed closed this time. Fin wondered if she fell asleep, but then she added softly, "I know you hate desk duty."

Fin grinned at the tiny smile that played on Amanda's lips, and he leaned back in his chair, still holding her hand. He listened as her breathing evened out, sending up a rare prayer to thank God his partner was still with him.

And that's where he stayed for the rest of the night.


End file.
